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STORIES FROM REAL FAMILIES  Parents! Do you have something to say? (pdf document)
The Terror of Delayed Realization For three or so years before the birth of my daughter, I made decisions that I am not proud of. I know I was not ready to be a mother. At the time, I was pursuing various relationships with men and was stuck in a series of boring, dead-end jobs. I developed more of a problem with my self-esteem, but I didn't stop making the bad decisions. Eventually, I wanted to get myself together so that I could honestly say something positive about myself. More importantly, I wanted my family to be proud of me. I slowly made progress by ceasing my sexual activity and searching for a challenging job. It was in the middle of this job search that I learned of my unplanned pregnancy - I was 23 years old. After I knew I was pregnant, only briefly did I consider abortion. I was not sure at all if I could live with myself if I had had an abortion. I did not tell anyone about my pregnancy. By the time I had second and third interviews for a job with a major airline, I was several months pregnant. I passed off my pregnancy as weight gain due to overeating. The airline offered me a position as a flight attendant, and I was extremely pleased to announce something positive to my parents. Things appeared to be taking a turn for the better after a stretch of bad decisions. After passing the physical for my new position, I left for training. Because I was around people who didn't know me to look any other way, I was viewed as a slightly heavy woman. However, it soon became very painful for me to be on my feet and even more painful to move. But, I was determined to complete my training and I did so, with high scores on all of my tests. At one point, my legs became terribly swollen, and I was hospitalized. Medical personnel did not mention, acknowledge, or question my pregnancy. On the morning I was to attend orientation, I went into labor at home. I had not made any plans or studied anything regarding childbirth. Even as I walked through my labor pains, I didn't know what I was going to do. Jamilah Dawn Radford arrived on June 27, 2006, and cried only briefly when she was born. I hugged her to me and kissed her several times while I rocked her. I had never witnessed a birth before, so to say that this was an amazing experience is an understatement. Then, I took the walk that could have ended tragically for both of us. I felt that I was not in a position to care for Jamilah Dawn the way she deserved to be cared for. I have never before known the kind of fear, panic, and despair that took me out of the front door that morning. I wrapped my daughter in a clean towel after trying to clean her up and walked away from home. With every step came shooting pains, not only in my body but also in my heart. I looked for a house that seemed to be clean and lived in by nice, caring people. In my altered state of mind, I felt that the residents of that house would take good care of a newborn in need of medical attention. I kissed my baby, told her I loved her and that I would come back for her as soon as I could. She was asleep when I laid her down. I walked away, crying and praying that God would watch over Jamilah Dawn and keep her safe until I could get back to her. I was not sure at all how I would come back. I just knew that I didn't want to be without my daughter permanently. My family learned of my daughter's birth when the police approached them; witnesses had identified me (thinking I was my twin sister) and called police. My parents called me after the police left, and it was then that I admitted to giving birth and leaving my daughter. I became hysterical. The horror of what I had done hit me all at once. My parents took immediate action in finding Jamilah Dawn and getting me home so that we could handle all of this. My family never left my side during this whole process. I promised my daughter that I would never leave her again. I realize that there are consequences I must face as a result of my actions on the morning of June 27, 2006. I know I will never leave my daughter in spirit and will physically be with Jamilah Dawn every chance I get. Since we were reunited, my baby has always indicated that she knows exactly who I am and has never forgotten me. After several weeks of visitation and background checks, it came time for Jamilah Dawn to be taken out of foster care and released to her family, where she has been welcomed as daughter, granddaughter and niece. I was not aware of the Pennsylvania Safe Haven Laws until after I committed my crime. As I have begun to understand what led to my decision to abandon my baby girl, I realize that I want to help in the efforts to make these laws more public. Because these laws are in place for individuals like me, information regarding them should be easily accessible when one learns of a pregnancy. A crime of this nature is inexcusable and should never have occurred, especially because Safe Haven Laws were established to protect newborns from potential harm and death. I would not wish the guilt, regret, or disappointment that I feel on anyone. I encourage young women and men to discuss whatever feelings they may be experiencing with someone they trust. That discussion leads to guidance and guidance leads to good decisions and prevents the kind of decision I made on the day of my daughter's birth. Tenetia Kendall lives in Bucks County, where she was charged with child abandonment and received punishment under the criminal justice system. She works as a customer service manager in a department store. Her baby is now four months old, healthy, and back with her family.
Parenting Well When You Have Mental Illness She wonders if she is going to make it through the day. She played with the kids, worked on her web sites & web groups. She did some cleaning, ran some errands. She got the other kids from school, helped with homework. She wonders if she did it right. She made dinner - was it wholesome? She gives the kids a bath and gets them to bed. She is tired and wants to go to bed herself, but she cannot. The dishes need done, so does the laundry, and more cleaning, and she has some papers/essays to write. She starts the dishes but remembers that bills need paid. She sits down to write out checks but cannot think clearly enough to write checks. She skips the writing checks task and moves onto cleaning the bathroom. The chemicals burn her nose and that's a good enough excuse to stop so she sits down at the kitchen table to take notes for this class. The thoughts come but are all jumbled. She gives up and decides to go to bed. She cries herself to sleep. Several weeks like this go past. What can she do to feel better? A month later, during one weekend she has so much energy she is out of control: the house is cleaned from top to bottom, groceries are bought & organized & put away, all the laundry is done, bills are paid, church was attended, projects completed, kids played with. Wheww! On top of all this she moved from one house to another. Within two weeks the house is done, all boxes unpacked, pictures on the wall, everything in its place. She is so excited, happy, almost euphoric, hardly needs to sleep, extremely motivated. As you probably have guessed by now, the person I refer to is me. These are extreme days/weeks in my life. Can you relate? Last year, I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I am able to cope because I got help. With the help of medication (not bipolar meds because I am allergic to the main ingredient in Bipolar medications), psychotherapy, exercise - I walk several times a week, - helping others, and being around my kids & other positive people, and I am able to cope. I don't like the stigma that comes with being a parent, especially a single parent. My children are fed, clothed, sheltered, and, most of all, loved. I am a good parent and I want others to know that just because you have a mental illness doesn't mean you cannot be a good parent.
Anniversary Thoughts One of our bilingual groups, sponsored by the YWCA in Lancaster, recently celebrated the fifth anniversary of the group's beginning. Parent mentor Evelyn Ramirez wrote this poem about what the program means to her.
A place to meet,
We have become a family,
We learn to accept that we are not perfect.
Five years of celebration, of challenges, of changes.
Let's celebrate the uniqueness of each one of our children;
FINDING WAYS TO FIX PROBLEMS When I first came to My Sister's Place I was two months pregnant and I was really depressed. DHS had taken my nine-year-old son. I had raised my son from birth. I didn't know how to feel being clean and sober and dealing with my problems on life's terms. I was assigned an individual counselor but I had a hard time trusting her and telling her my problems. Later I started to open up and share my problems with her. She was great -very nice and listens to me. I had been using drugs and alcohol for 22 years when I entered this program (my first rehabilitation program), and I didn't want to stop using, but my son changed my mind. He had been with me through my whole addiction and I was empty without him. I knew I needed to stop using if I wanted to get my son back, and keep the baby I was carrying. My Sister's Place came to my rescue because I did not have any insurance and they let me stay in the program anyway. I am coming up on 11 months clean and in the program. I've learned a lot about my sickness and finding ways to fix problems, something no one has ever done with me before, without expecting something in return. So you see this program was something new to me and I stayed with it. I started listening and taking suggestions about my anger, depression, me health problems and as I grew in this program I started to learn a lot about being clean and sober. I feel good right now and I am ready to deal with life. I take parenting classes at My Sister's Place. Ms. Michelle (my teacher) has taught me how to be patient and listen to my kids before I react. She has taught me to talk to my kids with respect so they can respect me. I learned how to interact with my kids and get to know them on a child's level. I got so many coping skills from the class. My teacher is one of the best people I've come across in my life and she helped me in so many ways. I am truly grateful to her and the parenting class. I am about to get my own house now and get my son back from foster care. I also have a five-month-old son who has been with me through the whole rehabilitation. I have a certificate from the parenting program that means a lot to me. I want to let people know that there are programs and people out there to help you stop using and become a good parent. Felicia Brooks was a participant in PFSA's parenting class, “Building Your Family” held weekly at My Sister's Place in Philadelphia, until she graduated from the program. She also served as mentor to the newer residents as they entered the class.
MY POINT OF VIEW: GRANDCHILDREN RETURNING TO THEIR PARENTS I'm a grandparent again, instead of a parent. I was raising my two granddaughters and recently they went back to live with their mother. I was hurt badly; I feel I did all the things that needed to be done for them, took care of them and loved them. But, my daughter wanted her daughters back so bad, she told lies about me and hurt me deeply. I didn't expect a prize, but I did expect her to be happy that I had taken the girls in and made sure they were safe and happy. But instead, my daughter said I wasn't taking good care of them and her sister and brother agreed with her. I love the children and tried so hard to make everything all right for them while they were away from their mother, only to be punished and put down. Now that the girls are living with their mother and brothers, I miss them. But I know they are where they belong. I have some advice for parents whose children are being raised in a foster home or by grandparents. The judge saw something to have you lose them for awhile, even though you might not agree. But after you get them back, please don't treat the person who took care of your child like dirt. You don't have to give them an award, but do say "thank you" for me. It makes the transfer of kids back to their parents easier for everyone, and it helps the grandparent get back to being a grandparent again.
ADVICE, A HUG AND A TISSUE:WHAT IT MEANS TO BE PART OF A GROUP Being part of a support group can mean many different things to different people. To me it means support and a feeling of hopefulness. My son is now 13 years old. He has many diagnoses for behavioral and other problems. My 13-year-old stepdaughter has choices about where to live, which she uses to the fullest. If she can't get what she wants at one place, she can go to another….and she does! She is struggling to be accepted; eighth grade is a very hard year for both a child and her parents! We have differences with her mother about discipline when she acts out. I have always been there for her, and no matter what I do it seems like it is not enough. I also have a 9-year-old daughter who is acting out and imitating the bad behavior of her sister and brother and can be disrespectful. I need support to help me with discipline of my kids. But no matter how hard it gets, by going to my meetings I know there is help for all of us. Being part of a group helps me to identify with other parents (not just mothers) who have gone through similar situations. Some have even jumped through the same hoops. In my group we all come from different lifestyles. That has proven to me that it doesn't matter who you are, where you come fro or how much money you have: parenting is the hardest job and most rewarding job you will ever have. You are not alone. We might not have all the answers at one of these meetings, but we can give you advice, a hug or a tissue - whatever you might need at the particular time.
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